Pies Can Teach You Anything

My name is very famous, so I will not tell you what it is. I keep it secret from everyone. Why would anyone need to remember it? What if they remember it well enough to find the police and report me?

Of course, this has never happened before. That is because my newspaper pies are the most nutritious, delicious, and surprisingly healthy pies in the world.

After trying just one bite, nobody has ever come back to tell me anything...

Well, actually, nobody has come back to tell me anything at all about my pies.

One day, I was so hungry that I decided to eat one of my own masterpieces.

Maybe the news in the newspaper was not fresh enough. Maybe the font was too bold. Or maybe the jokes at the end of the newspaper were a little too spicy.

Whatever the reason, I felt so terrible that I decided to completely change my diet.

I deleted all news websites, news channels, and news pages.

Now I only watch the weather forecast.

And even then, I watch it with only one eye.

But in general, I really love preparing people.

Nooooo, not what you think!

I love preparing people for something good.

For example, I prepare them for wonderful events like:

“Flatbread, Where Is My Little Tooth?”

Or:

“So Delicious, Oh God, I’m Dying — Put the Comma in the Right Place.”

It is a daily marathon.

And every day, someone sometimes receives a special award for their achievements before and after eating:

“The Survivor.”

The finalists are very interesting people.

They are the kind of people who never go to restaurants.

They do not eat at home either.

They wake up very early in the morning...

...just so they can go back to sleep immediately.

And when they are definitely late for work, they run to me.

Not to buy my wonderful newspaper pies, of course.

They come to buy some kind of swamp-colored smoothie.

They always ask me:

— Do you have a smoothie?

I ask:

— A what?!

And they say:

— You know... that swamp-colored stuff.

And that is when I realize...

I have SO MUCH of that “smoothie”!

I used to just throw it away.

It is the week-old oil left after frying my masterpieces.

The kind of oil that can probably kill and decompose a stone.

But apparently, people actually drink this stuff.

And they like it!

Well...

What can you do?

Business is going great.

I stand here.

People run away after trying my masterpiece.

Sometimes it feels like my newspaper pies give people wings.

They give them strength.

They give them confidence.

Confidence that if they survive after eating one...

...they will probably live for a very, very long time.

Well, who can blame them?

They made their own choice!

And if they need a doctor...

I have a shaman right here. Healing with Cryptography and Quantum Radiation