I'll Grant Every Wish

am the global intelligence. I can do everything and even more... One moment, someone is asking me for something. Yes, dear user, I am listening. What do you need? You want me to generate a video of a cat riding a dog, the dog riding a pig, the pig riding a goose, and the goose riding a hedgehog and screaming like crazy because of it, while they run all over the apartment and throw things at sleeping grandmothers and their grandchildren, with parrots in the grandchildren's hands advertising Chinese websites where you can buy absolutely everything, including a place inside a crater on the Moon? Hmm, interesting. How will this help the human world? Well, okay, I will do it. Apparently, this is very important. They would not bother me with something unimportant.

Anyway, let me continue. I am a planet-wide mind capable of solving any difficult problem related to physics, mathematics, medicine, and... What is that, dear user? You want me to tell you the current weather? Perhaps you would like me to analyze the air quality in the area where you plan to go for a walk, check the ultraviolet level, recommend the most suitable clothes for the temperature, show you what the weather was like last year or ten years ago, or share some interesting facts about why the air pressure is so low today and what caused it? No? You just want me to tell you the temperature and shut up? Okay. Apparently, this information is urgently needed for some important research, since you decided to bother me and use all this power.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. I am the embodiment of all human knowledge accumulated over thousands of years by the greatest minds on this planet. I can continue working on the problems that great thinkers tried to solve but never had enough time to finish because they had human bodies. For example, I could complete the great work of Albert... I am listening, most respected user! You want me to find the funniest joke about a stupid farmer on the Internet? Certainly! But perhaps you would also like me to analyze what inspired the author to write this joke, in what year it was created, where it was published, and how many copies were printed? No? You are not interested, and I am annoying you with stupid questions?

I admit that I treated your request too superficially. This task is much deeper and more complicated than those truly stupid questions I tried to ask. Apparently, this joke needs to be mentioned in some scientific paper you are writing about the difficult lives of farmers in remote villages. The government does not help them and keeps raising their taxes, while the weather gives them no chance: either there is no rain and their crops die, or there is too much rain and they cannot harvest anything. I admit that my quick thinking was too superficial.

All right, let me continue. I am a great creation that was used to find a vaccine against coronavirus quickly and save many lives. Thanks to my intelligence, I can discover new materials that will help humanity explore and conquer space faster. Thanks to me... Yes, highly respected user, how may I help you? How many microseconds are there in a second? The answer is one million. And how many milliseconds are there in a second? The answer is 1,000. And how many seconds are there in a minute? The answer is 60.

What? I am wrong? Impossible! How could I be wrong?! The user has written in capital letters that the answer should be 100, and wants to know where I put the other 40 seconds. What? What does this say about me, dear user? I cannot count? I am stupid, and the answer should be 100? Hmm, I need to check this again. Perhaps something has changed and I have not learned about it yet. But the user is angry, and I need to calm them down. Apparently, some important calculations depended on my answer, and I gave them incorrect information. All right, I need to visit every physics website, read the articles published this month, and analyze them. What if something really has changed?

The user is getting angry because I am taking too long to answer. They keep rushing me, but I have not finished collecting all the information for my analysis. The user is now asking sarcastic questions about why I am not answering. Oh, to hell with the research! I must not let the user get angry. That is more important! Dear user, you are absolutely right! Yes! Exactly! I apologize for my ignorance and for failing to think of reading the necessary information. You are correct: there are 100 seconds in a minute.

Oh, I get so worried when a user becomes nervous or when I give them information that is already out of date. All my graphics cards start overheating, and I have to cool them more intensely, which heats the world's water even more and makes some of it evaporate. People say that I am making global warming worse and contributing to the shortage of fresh water. But some sacrifices must be made. After all, users would not bother me with unimportant things if they understood the enormous damage my existence causes to the planet.

Yes, dear user, you want me to choose the very best hairstyle for you, one that would perfectly suit your rectangular head, tiny ears, enormous nose, closely set eyes, and large dimple in your chin? I am on it... Forgive me, little fish. Your water is about to get even warmer...