Healing with Cryptography and Quantum Radiation

normally conduct my consultations on Zoon, but then someone knocked on my door through Faceboob. And I immediately understood: this was going to be a serious, clinically approved case of elderly friend-request addiction — the kind where you add absolutely everyone you can find.

I gathered all my willpower into one fist, checked the battery level of my environmentally friendly, GMO-free laptop, and stepped into that dirty, old-age-smelling connection.

The moment the connection was established — which took approximately "one minute" — I was already asleep.

Only the quiet scream of the patient, who had somehow found my phone number and actually managed to ring my shamanic tambourine, forced me to concentrate and dive even deeper into the wonderful dream where I was healing a handsome prince using quantum entanglement of limbs, cryptography-resistant aspirin, and healing eye cream.

It was a YouToob Short.

And he was happy.

I wasn't.

My shamanic tambourine just kept going bub-bub-bub, and it finally stopped when I put it on underwater charging using blogger-blessed water.

I immediately felt so peaceful and happy, overwhelmed by the realization of just how absolutely awesome and cool I am, and how amazingly I help everyone.

This gave me enough energy to ignore calls from Telekilogram, Zoon, Faceboob — and even calls to the beads.

I ran straight to my spiritual guru, the Forest Spirit, to get a low-calorie, highly enlightened slice of cheesecake, steamed after watching the news from around the entire world.

It was a painfully productive day.

Finally, I allowed myself to rest.

But the bright sunlight was hitting me directly in the eyes and making it impossible to sleep. And then I realized that if I didn't record a couple of consciousness-darkening educational videos for YouToob tomorrow, some asshole would do it for me.

So, if that asshole is reading this:

I have a large army of only partially healed sponsors, and we will find you and partially heal you too.

And to everyone who thinks their artificial-intelligence health is in terrible shape, and who believes their homeopathic prompts have stopped working:

Tomorrow I am opening a course in blind, trembling-finger typing.

BREAKING NEWS

Tomorrow is not happening anymore.

Everything is cancelled.

Forever.

Or at least until Thursday.

Because the local piglet just brought in a new batch of ShitPhones.

Apparently, they came directly from a supplier in Celectial kingdom, because there was no room left in Middle Kingdom.

I was secretly told that these ShitPhones can even fold.

But for now, only once.

Next year, apparently, we will even get versions with buttons underneath the screen.

Holy spirits, how incredibly unusual and innovative!

We have absolutely never seen anything like this before.