God-Given Talent for Measuring

My story begins when I was a child and absolutely loved messing around with computers.

Oh, how I loved digging inside them. Sometimes I would measure the screen with a ruler, sometimes the motherboard, sometimes the mouse, sometimes the keyboard. But the hardest thing to measure was the CPU fan. The fan kept sucking in my measuring tape.

Still, it was interesting and educational.

I loved measuring everything inside those computers. But after measuring me from every possible side and angle, my parents decided that I was clearly destined to become a programmer.

So they sent me to study programming.

When I started learning programming, nothing worked.

No matter how many times I measured the computers during laboratory classes, the programs still didn't work.

To be honest, they didn't even get written.

But then, one day, we received an assignment: find the bugs in a working program.

I rolled up my sleeves exactly 17.25 centimeters, opened the computer case, and started measuring the RAM.

After a short period of measuring, the program on my computer stopped working completely.

None of my classmates managed to achieve this result.

And finally, my talent was recognized.

Only I could find all the bugs in a program — using my own unique method.

Time passed, and every time I had to measure it again.

But that was fine.

Then a little more time that I personally hadn't measured yet passed, and soon there was already a queue waiting for me.

The queue was exactly 40 thirty-centimeter rulers long.

People wanted me to find the bugs in their programs.

And somehow, I always succeeded.

In some programs, the bugs appeared after I measured the hard drive.

In others, after I measured the network card.

But most often, bugs were found while measuring the processor.

I swear, I could kill whoever designed those processors.

First, it is incredibly difficult to open the processor. Sometimes you can't open it even with a knife and scissors.

And even when you finally manage to open it...

Holy shit.

Everything inside is so tiny.

Anyway, I won't reveal all my secrets.

There are simply too many of them to measure.

You are probably wondering what I do now.

What does a man like me do in this modern age, when AI writes code, generates videos, creates music, and produces completely authentic works of artificial art?

Well...

For old computers and their old, sophisticated computer cases, I knit clothes.

I knit little hats for monitors.

I knit lots of socks for keyboards.

One sock for every key.

Well, not every key.

If someone brings me Apple equipment, I do not knit a sock for the Delete key.

Some traditions must be respected.

And of course, I also measure how much longer programmers have left to exist.

Every minute, someone says that this profession is about to disappear.

So I have to catch those miserable remaining programmers out on the streets — those hunched-over, slightly blind creatures — take their measurements, and carefully measure the code they have written.

After all...

Someone has to preserve the last remaining specimens.

And who better than a man who was born to measure?